coz if they run their mouths and brag about this secret rendezvous...
(boys, please tag what comes next)

so yesterday after visiting the tailor with my classmates and having lunch together, i went to meet the boys for dinner at changing appetites, the mudpie is mad by the way. haha, but i still feel that the island creamery one is better. so yea, all travelled back to my home to get the car and embarked on our secret rendezvous which nobody hunted us down.

as usual, adventure of 1958, we went to a few cool streets to see balloons which were so beautiful before heading to a jungle, up a hill, the haunted red house and finally settling down at pasir ris park. i think for the type of adventures we always have, it's time to get a jeep or a 4WD, the typical average car just won't do. hahaha. so yea, when we got to pasir ris park, we conquered the playground, spider web, flying fox and everything that i'm scared of. lol.

then came the emo period at the breakwaters. i think james blunt is good. then we happily went home, happily, i think. we are having one more secret rendezvous tonight, hunt us down.

good or bad, this was where it all began.

last minute decision to meet chenziyang last night to play pool at katong. he's just a pro, he can spin the ball, jump the ball and do all sorts of weird things luh. dammit, jealous, wanna learn. went for supper after that at 85. gonna leave to meet my classmates soon to visit the tailor and maybe have lunch together. byebye world.

My tears run down like razorblades
And no, I'm not the one to blame
It's you, or is it me?
And all the words we never say
Come out and now we're all ashamed
And there's no sense in playing games
When you've done all you can do

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
But it's over

I lose myself in all these fights
I lose my sense of wrong and right
I cry, I cry
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head
I just wanna crawl into my bed
And throw away the life I led
But I won't let it die, but I won't let it die

It's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

everybody's guitar hero

so yea, went to town last night with chenziyang and tansijia. went to cine to play wii and i swear it's way better than xbox or playstation. so wanna buy one soon, my next target. hahaha. then went to slack a little before taking the last train to jing's to meet up with the boys for some xbox fun and watch champions league together. super tiring, only got home at 6am this morning then slept a little before heading to open num bugis alone again today just like yesterday. super duper tiring day, lack of sleep man.

I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now.

ya, work was that boring that i made two new friends called rainbow bear A and rainbow bear B. hahaha. so yes, for the first time in my num life, i opened a whole store on my own, at bugis, so yea, you can imagine what a hassle it is to go to the toilet. anyways, things got cooler when joanfong came over for lunch and then another colleague came in the afternoon.


so yes, very very boring and tiring day of work. walked around with joanfong a little after work to get some stuff for melbourne. anyway, gonna head to town now to meet chenziyang and my classmate! byebye everyone!

i woke up at 4am wanting to study last minute for my test today but the page above at the back of my notebook just distracted me completely. oh wells, like the past, i was first to leave the exam room. heh!

went to bugis to collect keys to open the shop tomorrow after work, tried soup spoon for lunch too, first time trying it. then headed to town to collect my pay and visit the cinelegends. walked around, met joanfong, walked some more and headed to do something drastic to my hair colour. yea, drastic, stay tuned..

oh ya, exams are over, i'm not exactly happy but maybe in a lighter mood.

last night was pretty much hell before i went into that deep sleep only to wake up again after awhile. so maybe it got me a little high, high enough to inspire me to study so i asked classmates jun and sijia out and took a drive to downtown east macs. so we studied there for hours and chenziyang came down from cine after and reached around like 2am.

so chenziyang and me ate happy meal and took our pokeballs. okay, that fucker actually drove his dad's car out when he did not have a license, which turned out to be a good thing coz when i went back to my car, it could not start! the battery died because i forgot to switch the hazard lights off for like hours. so heck, drove chenziyang's father's car and sent my classmates home before going back to downtown east.

so yea, called for this mechanic to come to charge up the battery and start the car again. had to wait quite a while and i must thank chenziyang for being very nice to accompany me at the expense of not meeting his friends. pretty touched. haha. so yea, we chatted about cars till the mechanic came and we both drove home safely.

the end.

ha. fuck. long distance relationships are no joke. unless it's a long distance relationship with like a fling or someone for fun, it can last. if it's with someone you're really serious about, you get so paranoid, you stress your other half, things won't work. fucking big joke to believe it can happen, what a fool.

i thought that we were stronger;

first paper today. can.

just had a talk with the father and the mother, it's been long since i've really sat down for a serious one. you see, there's two types of people in this world, britney spears would say, one type entertains and the other type observes. okay no, two types, one who loves studying, the other hates studying. most of us are the latter, so let's ignore the former totally.

so we can sub-divide this group, those that hate but study like most of you and another group would be my type. you see, the type that hate studying but still study because they are obligated to do so, their parents want them to do so, they want to be successful through education, they follow the role-model system of singapore and maybe they want face?

well, for my type, my group of people, it's different. i hate study and i don't wanna study. i'm not obligated to do so, it's my life. my parents want me to, but then again, my life, my choice. i personally do not feel that education is the only path to success and i definitely don't care about face, who cares? not me. okay, maybe i fear discrimination a little, as the boy with no credentials.

here's the thing, people like me just don't love studying. studying is just not my cup of tea, i like to do things that are practical, like working! studying is practical, but in an indirect way and takes time, i want to be practical straight. i realised after studying for so many years, doing what you love is more important than getting a high pay cheque. it's not that i'm flunging exams or anything but i simply have no interest in studying, like totally zero. studying has become a total chore.

so why am i studying? beats me, i don't have the answer too. maybe because i don't have anything in mind that i firmly want to do? actually i have, but there's many, haven't picked one yet. i wanna be a DJ, i wanna find something unique overseas and sell it here, maybe go learn dancing in a school and take it as a career? really, i'm just not the books type. blame it on my luck, i'm born in singapore, i've been sucked into the system, there's no flexibility, there's no way out without that stinking piece of paper a.k.a certificate.

so many local entrepreneurs, successful ones, all didn't really come through the system. i want to do something, if only i can quit school, i would and go pursue something i truly love. something that will make me smile during weekdays instead of dreading school. i'm not cracking under stress due to my exams tomorrow, but it's just so true, shocking how i'm typing this one day before my paper.

if only someone would be my sponsor. if only i had the capital. i swear i'll quit school, defy my elders at home and pursue something i really love. fuck it.

i told my mum. you let me quit school, you support me, if possible, even support me financially. i will take the time to pick something i really love, begin planning and get started.

last night i went for a jog at fanglynn's neighbourhood at like 1am? haha. so much beautiful memories there, shall not share, it's between us, keep it special. lol. so yea, jogged, feel healthier too. been eating too many chocolates, the jog was a must.

just got home from liangjing's. well, i wonder if any of my classmates were like me today. exam paper tomorrow, like a year end exam and i went there to play xbox and soccer. cool yea? i'm so calm and composed when i haven't really started studying yet. what to do? i got no interest in school, i'm just following the system, no choice, i got no options or reasons to stop school. sucks much.

all the best to me tomorrow and sorry fanglynn, sorry.

"i'll be honest with you on everything here."

day 12 and the promise has already been broken. few hundred more days to go.

some fucker in melbourne is getting too close to my girlfriend. adding her on facebook and msn within days of knowing each other. today, i found out something else, he is moving into the same apartment as her, as in, not the same unit of course but the same block and they will be like neighbours.

let's see, if you are alone in a foreign land, you are lonely and have a neighbour you know who is just a few footsteps away, will you hang out with her often? will you have dinner with her often? will you go over to her place or invite her over often? if you're lacking some love, can she help? oh wells. great, just great, nothing's helping or going my way to make a long-distance relationship easier to get through.

i'm on a bad sore throat and slight fever today.

soccer with the boys this morning and the chat of being a social escort during lunch was really interesting. well, i shall not blog much, just a few questions for attached girls out there.

1) If in an unfamiliar foreign land (overseas), would you go out with a group of strangers whereby you only know one person in the group? Will you at least ask the person that you know regarding who are the rest that are going?

2) Assuming you went for the outing, the person you know is a girl and the 4 strangers are guys. After the outing, you may accept a msn request if one of the guys added you, but will you go add the guys? And if you specially add one of the guys only, does it mean he has something special compared to the rest?

3) What might be that something special about this particular guy?

4) How do you think your boyfriend will feel if you are not in Singapore with him on Valentines' Day, but instead out with a girl friend and 4 stranger guys? (four new male friends on Valentines' yo!)

and ivan ponders...

it's 14th february, so what? valentines' day, blah blah. well, i spent my day working today. the girl working in the opposite shop was nice to make us cookies, classmates gave me chocolates yesterday, friends consoled me for being lonely on valentines'. a big thank you to all these people. so yes, spent the day working, that's about it, nothing much. whereas, my girlfriend spent the day having lunch and watching a movie with four guys and a girl in melbourne. cools.

last day of lessons today, then a study week, two exam papers then it's my eight week holiday. well, it also marks the last day with my class, 1H08, it will be a new class when school starts, new people, new modules, new teachers, everything new. haha, i had a great year with this class, everyone is nice, no politics, no enemies, nothing. just pure and simple. went through lots of stressful moments together too and not forgetting fun memories to be kept.

anyways, jun's birthday chalet is ongoing now, not the whole class is here but most are. just drank few litres of fruit punch coz we played some stupid game and i kept losing, my forfeit is to drink fruit punch, lots of it. sadistic part of the game is, you cannot go to the toilet unless you draw a particular card and yes, i'm complaining coz i don't have that card.

alright, i'm blogging with my itouch in the car now, time to go back to the party. red bull vodka anyone?

today, fanglynn asked me to go over to her house to collect something for myself and it turned out to be above. well, it was nice to go to her house again, been long since i went there but the only difference is this time, she wasn't there, she's in melbourne of course. the above, little notes written by her daily since november till she left last week. every note is a memory we share, i shall not be shy and admit, i cried reading these notes.

best girlfriend in the world yea, something so sweet, what a surprise. seriously, i don't think anyone would do such a thing, it reminds me of the movie, p.s. i love you, except nobody dies. haha. i really love her a lot and miss her a million.

I wanna keep your toothbrush at my apartment
Make a second set of keys and ask you to move in
I'm not crazy
I know what I'm getting myself in
I wanna live with you
If that's ok with you

come home soon, come to my place, your toothbrush awaits to be used again.

i hate to see Valentines' posters, gifts and whatever to do with Valentines' Day around singapore this year. everywhere selling chocolates, flowers, toys and more. everyone advertising Valentines'. so commercialized. i hate it a lot this year, only this year i hope. ugh. irritating.

school today was pretty scary coz we went for a briefing regarding a module in next semester. it's called service skills methodology and requires us to work in a restaurant in school. yes, my school has a restaurant. well, we won't get paid for working there, it's one day per week for 8 hours. we are supposed to have tailor made uniforms and name tags. the scary part is when it comes to the hair. no sideburns, everthing short, well combed and gelled.

firstly, i am already a piece of shit, without long hair to cover some of my shit, i will look exactly like shit. in other words, i am nothing without long hair. secondly, i've never used hair gel or wax since primary four i think, spare me from chemicals please? bloody hell. hospitality and tourism...blah blah...

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
And know the stars are
Holding you, holding you, holding you
Tonight

soccer with the boys this morning, finally we're playing on sundays again. haha. then had a belated birthday dinner with my family, good food then decided to drive my family to marina barrage coz i missed my last trip there with fanglynn so decided to head there to reminisce. haha. it's been long since i spent some quality time with my family and now that fanglynn is not around, i should spend more time doing that.

i remember the days we spent together, were not enough,
it used to feel like dreaming
Except we always woke up,
Never thought not having you here now
Would hurt so much

so last night was quite a night, sent fanglynn off at the airport and it's only march will that i will see her again when i fly over during my holidays. yea, march is not far away but just days without her can already kill? we'll see about that. so yea, my boys were nice to be there for me and also to see her off.

so yea, off to melbourne she goes, took a gazillion of pictures but only posted a few, too lazy, too many. life's like dead now, it's boring and meaningless. it's so hard to see a loved one walk through that departure gate to somewhere far away with a time difference of +3. oh wells. ahya, just sucks, so moody.

yea, she's sad and i'm sad. anyways, my boys were really nice to be there for me after the airport thingy. we went to old changi hospital! yea boys! we went there right? we went in right? we bravely explored right? i shall leave the answers to those questions to them. had supper at bedok 85 also, a really nice supper then we just hung around singapore, driving around aimlessly.

finally settled at lido macs to slack and eat a little bit more before going home. gosh, i'm so sad.

you left.

dear fanglynn,

it's 5am here, i just got home from dropping the boys home. we went to old changi hospital to look a little, realised my boys are pretty much cowards like me. anyone would be a coward there right? haha. then we headed to 85 for a super sumptuous supper, after that it was just hours of aimless driving and mccafe in town to chill out for awhile before adjourning the gathering.

now i just realised my air con temp is at 23 and not my favourite 18, all thanks to you la! grr. oh ya, drove past your house just now to take a look when dropping leon. herms as usual never off tv, was so tempted to go into your room. oh wells, i'll miss dunbar walk lots, don't know when i'll have a chance to drive down that road again. sigh.

at this point of time, i got so many regrets, so much remorse for the wrongs i've done, i feel so empty, really, i feel very lost. i did not expect such feelings to come. maybe it's a good thing, made me realize how much i want and need you. i swear i'm a changed person when you return.

miss you tons.
come back soon, love you.

PS: don't ask yuquan anything about my emotions at the airport. i'm angry, you turned back after entering the gate, ugh!

i regret encouraging melbourne, please don't go. the last friday, the last day. it's here, tonight.

I'm NINETEEN! I'm closer to death!

fanglynn is so nice, spend the night with me last night watching dvds and of course giving me a delicious birthday cake from canele to me! not forgetting my wonderful present, a jellybean dispenser with lots and lots of jellybeans in it! woohoo! nobody knows my sweet tooth secret as much as she would know.

alright, so the day was spent with my boys and fanglynn, they bought me something from build-a-bear! hahaha. but it's a turtle, not really a bear. anyways, had dinner together and here comes the highlight of the day, the part after dinner...

hehehe! we sneaked into SAJC! woohoo! so we thought the opened gates were kind to us and we freaking sneaked in to take some pictures coz it seemed like nobody was in school, not even the security guard! well, when we decided to leave, we realised that the gates were fu**ing locked! so it was pure horror to us and it seemed that the security guards have left!

so we got scared, we searched high and low for people in school and finally found the muslim food auntie, thankfully, she has the key but we had to wait for her to finish washing up. sidetrack a little, the auntie is kinda stupid, she asked if we were students, we all said yes and crapped that things like, yuquan and leon was in soccer, i'm in hockey and liangjing was in band, blah blah. she actually looked at yuquan and went, "ya! ya! this one soccer! i remember his face!". luckily we were good controllers of our laughter, bloody hell. ahahahahahaha.

okay, so while waiting, we decided to do something stupid at the fitness corner, we played with the rope thingy and did so many challenging things with it, it was crazy. just pure crazy, it's hard to describe with words, not even pictures will help, maybe videos will but too bad i don't have any. it was just physically strenuous and mentally exhausting. hehe. madness.

well, it was a really nice night, minus the thought of fanglynn leaving tomorrow. thank boys, thank you fanglynn.

thanks to those for your sms wishes, it is really surprising to see some of you unexpected ones sms-ing me to wish me. for those who didnt and those i really expected to and didnt, HAHA.

i'm old, i'm closer to my deathbed. i'm old, yet i've achieved nothing much in life.

i like the smiles on this photo and of course the beautiful nyonya costume, but i detest the luggage on the floor. dammit. it's so close, it's the last wednesday, i dread friday to come.

ate chippy mint with you just now, that's how we spent the last tuesday before you leave.

fanglynn and i fed stray dogs last night at some scary place in kaki bukit. somehow, the dogs did not want to eat our food and chose to eat rocks instead. really weird bunch of dogs and pretty scary too. anyways, met fanglynn at parkway after school today, been ages since i went there. borrowed dvds to watch, just finished watching hitch, shall watch cyborg she later. then we had dinner at dome too!

spending the last monday with you before you leave.

today was a pretty cool day i guess. my ex-maid who worked for my family for 8 years when i was young came to visit. haha, lots to talk about. then it was fjc with yuquan! we won today thanks to a superb defensive display and great counter attacks to secure our win! haha.

oh ya, just finished watching the australia open finals. like i always say, nadal is an immortal in tennis. federer may be the king but a king can't beat an immortal right? nadal just takes my breath away man, goodness me. alright, i'm gonna go spend the night with fanglynn and watch the chelsea liverpool match!

we spend the last sunday together before you leave..